Sifting Through The Ashes

As some of you who know me personally may know, I'm coming out of a difficult period of my life.  This past month has been a lonely time, and I've been struggling with a lot of sad developments in a couple different parts of my life.  Fortunately, due to support from some great friends and advice from wise elders, life is getting a lot better; the sun is coming out again.

Now that the worse is past, I thought it would be a good time to take stock of what happened these past thirty days and see what I can learn from it.  You see, I've dug my own pit for a lot of the stuff that's happened lately, and I think the time has come to right some wrongs, make some apologies, and generally just see if I'm any better for what's happened to me recently.

First, what I've learned:

-Respect Other People.  I'm very stubborn in that, as Tom Petty puts it, "I see what I want, I go after it."  Sometimes, I do this at the expense of other people, their wants and needs, and their feelings.  I'd say that this selfish impulse has caused me more trouble than anything else this past month.  I think I've finally learned that getting what one wants means nothing if one burns all one's bridges in the process.

-Laziness Gets You Nowhere.  I've got a naturally lazy personality; if there's any way to make something easier or avoid doing it entirely, my natural impulse is to sidestep work.  Unfortunately, this has resulted in me not doing half the things with my life that I'd like to do.  I'm resolving, here and now, to not be afraid of good, hard work anymore.

And, finally, I've got two  notes to certain groups of people (no names, of course).  One's an apology, one's a thank-you.  These groups actually overlap a lot, so please read both if you personally know me!  (If you don't personally know this, you can skip this part if you want.)

There are a few friends who I think I've hurt this past month, due to my own selfish drives and my disrespectful behavior.  I know I can't take what I've done back, but I'm hoping you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and let me have a second chance to be a better friend!

Secondly, I want to thank my friends for being so open and kind to me during these past four weeks.  I know it's really tiring to be my friend.  (Believe me, I know what it's like for you guys; after all, I live with me.)  However, you guys and gals have been nothing but awesome and supportive, through good times and bad.  I don't think a fella could ask for better friends!

(Okay, other people I don't know.  You can come back now.)

This has been a hard month for me, as I said, but it hasn't been without its benefits.  I've been made to feel more grateful for the people in my life and I've learned some things about myself.  I won't say I'd want to go through this month again, but I'm glad I went through it once, just to learn (and I'm even more glad it's over!).

What's The Deal With Love?

Romance is tough business.  After all, it's money- and time-consuming, and, nine times out of ten, it doesn't work out.  On top of that, after one of those unsuccessful attempts at romance, we end up feeling bad for a couple of weeks (at the least).  That post-romance depression can be so bad, in fact, that I often emerge from the fiery wreckage of a relationship pledging myself to life-long celibacy.  After all, who needs all that pain again?  

This pledge to stay single is usually made with total sincerity, with total commitment to keep it, and only lasts until I see another cute girl.  Once this happens, I promptly forget all my pledges and dash onto the romance playing field again.

Why do I (and we, because I'm hoping I'm not alone) do this?  Why do we willingly enter into so many relationships, knowing that there's every possibility that it'll fail?  Because what we might gain is so much more that what we might lose.

"I love you" is just a simple three-word phrase, but it's a symbol of a lot more.  When we verbally commit your heart to someone else, we're essentially saying, "I care about you.  I'm going to stand by you, no matter how hard things get.  I'm interested in what you're thinking and feeling, and I want to understand what's going on in your mind and heart.  Life's going to be hard, but I know that, together, we can make it through.  Let's team up and get through this together."

I don't know about you, but I don't think there's a greater gift we can give someone.  What an amazing thing to have a partner in life, someone who always has your best interests at heart, someone always ready with a word of encouragement, someone with their arms open to you all the time.

And, as special as it is to have such a partner, it's even more special to BE that partner to someone else.  After all, love has no selfishness in it; it's all caring about the other person, or it's not love.  The partnership is unbalanced if one person's doing all the giving and the other's doing all the taking.  Each person should be committed to the other, and I want nothing more than to have that opportunity.

Partnership.  Selflessness.  Loyalty.  That's what "I love you," the roses, the candlelight dinners, the chocolates, the ring, the wedding, and everything else mean.  Those three qualities are what make up "true love."

So, if you were to ask me (or if I were to ask myself) why I keep returning to play the romance game again and again, here's what I'll say: because I want to find that "perfect partner" (to borrow a phrase from the movie Shall We Dance?).  Because I want to be that perfect partner to someone else.  And, with every relationship I have, I'm getting closer to finding that special girl, the one who'll think I'm special, too.  And, once that happens, all the pain, all the heartbreak, will have been worth it.

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives

What is is about music?  All it is, scientifically speaking, is a bunch of notes strung together in a way that sounds good to our brains.  Sometimes it has lyrics attached to it, sometimes not.  What's so special about that?  

That definition sounds like it could've come out of a textbook, doesn't it?  Well, it didn't, but that definition does the same thing that all textbooks do: it takes the artistry and emotion out of music.  Music textbooks can teach about the mechanics and theory of music, and all that's fine and good.  What textbooks and classes can't teach, however, is the stuff that makes music great: the emotion, the understanding, the sense of life experiences we all share, and the joy of living that music, at its best, imparts to those who listen to it.

I've been thinking a lot about this ("this" being the emotions & memories that music brings) lately, and as I thought, a special group of songs came into my mind.  Said group of songs are the ones that touch me, that inspire me, that let me know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing.  All of us have such a group of songs.  I think that, when we talk about the "soundtrack of our lives," this personalized group of songs is what we're talking about.

What I'm going to do here is share with you my "soundtrack of my life," as it stands right now, and why each song makes the cut.  These songs are the ones that, if they come on the radio and you try to change it, I will literally, physically, fight to stop you.  

I'm hoping that it'll get you guys thinking about what your soundtracks are, and (if I'm lucky) sharing.

So, with no further ado, and with songs in no particular order, away we go.

"It's My Life" - The Animals

Actually, almost all of The Animals' songs are on my soundtrack list, but this one is my fave.  I love this song for its defiance, for how it says "I'm gonna be what I want, regardless of what anyone else thinks!"  That's the kind of attitude I'm trying to adopt.  I'm not perfect at it, but I am trying, and that's what counts, right?

"California Girls" - The Beach Boys

Anybody who's hung out with me for more than three seconds knows that I'm VERY proud of my Southern California upbringing.  There's no place else I'd rather have grown up, and, most of the time, there's no place else I'd rather be.  (Don't get me wrong, I love Utah, but it's not my HOME!)  This Beach Boys classic is SoCal in musical form; if I ever get homesick, I can just throw this track on and feel better immediately!

"Here Comes My Girl" - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

This song is what love is all about.  Okay, not the song specifically, but what the lyrics are talking about.  This little ditty describes the kind of love that everyone deserves: the kind that keeps you going, monotonous day after monotonous day, because you know that, when you go home, it'll be to someone who cares about you, who loves you, and wants nothing more than help you to be happy.  That kind of love is also about wanting to be the best person you can be for your significant other, and this song touches on that, too.  THIS is the kind of love I want!  If I'm lucky, maybe I'll get it!

"Everybody Plays The Fool" - The Main Ingredient

This song has gotten me through so many broken hearts, I lost count back when I was, say, eighteen.  I love how frank this song is about how it's okay that you've got a broken heart, but it doesn't mean that you're gonna die and that you're gonna be okay if you just power through it.  It's a message that has helped me through many hard times.  (Oh, and one of the guys in this group is Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s dad, if that interests you!)

"Drift Away" - Dobie Gray

Whenever I'm feeling depressed or confused, I throw this song on, and by the time it's over, I feel one hundred percent better.  I'm not really sure what it is about this tune that calms me: maybe it's the perfect arrangement, or maybe it's Dobie Gray's great vocals.  Personally, though, I think it might be this famous little group of lines:

Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul

I want to get lost in your rock and roll

And drift away...

"This Is The Christ" - Mormon Tabernacle Choir

I wanted to wrap this up with something spiritual, since there's nothing more important in my life than my religion, the Lord, and being a disciple of Christ.  With that in mind, I'm closing up with this, my favorite song by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  Of course, anything the Choir puts out is going to be great, but I've never heard a song about the Savior that's as stirring or as inspiring as this one.  It describes perfectly how I feel about the Lord.  I love it!

...Well, there I am in musical form.  Thanks for bearing with me, and feel free to talk about your own "soundtracks!"