On Being Single

Being single isn't for sissies. (Of course, neither is marriage, but since I haven't experienced that yet, I'll leave that post for another time.) It can get really lonely, especially when you feel surrounded by peers who are getting engaged and married. If you let it, being single can also be a brutal blow to one's self-esteem; it's easy to feel like you're damaged goods when you're being rejected on a semi-regular basis. I've felt these feelings just as much as anyone.

Fortunately, though, those sad times have been coming much less often for me than they did before. Luckily for me, I've learned a few things about the single life (through the Lord, friends, and family) that have helped me change my point of view on this stage of my life. I've been thinking about them a lot lately, and I'm sharing them here in the hope that they'll help someone else.

-There's No Race To Get Married. Sometimes, cultural expectations make it seem as if you're not married by a certain age, there's something wrong with you. I can understand where that view comes from, but I also think it's sort of dangerous. If there's one decision you don't want to rush into, it's the decision of who you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're single, you should feel free to take as much time as you need to make that choice.

-It's Okay To Be Picky (Within Reason). Let's be real here: none of us are going to find that perfect person, because such people don't exist. That doesn't mean, however, that we can't have qualities that we feel our girl- or boy- friend should have. It's perfectly okay to have deal-breakers, especially when they deal with important things like religious beliefs, views on family and child-raising, financial matters, and other such matters.  Of course, there are lots of smaller details that can be overlooked, but we should always hold our ground when it comes to the important things.

-You Don't Need To Put Your Life On Hold Until You Get Married. I have big plans for my life. For those of you who don't know, my dream in life is to become a professional screenwriter, to move back to Southern Cal and make my selling movie scripts and writing for TV shows. I've been working out a plan on how to get there: finish a few scripts, then reach out toward studios through an actor friend of my dad's and work my way up through the ranks.  Of course, once I get married or gain a girlfriend, she'll have a say in how my plans unfold, but I'm not waiting for her before I get started; I've finished one script and I'm looking at movie studio jobs. The same principle applies to every single person; you don't need to wait for another person in order to pursue your dreams & desires. Start now!

-You Don't Need To Put On A Fake Personality To Impress Someone. I have very unique tastes. I love '90s movies and '60s music. I'm fascinated with comic books and video games, but I'm also equally interested in baseball and boxing. I have lots of interests all over the board, and it makes me a unique person. My personality may not be to the taste of every girl I like, but that doesn't mean I have to change it to suit them. The same goes for all of us, since all of us have unique personalities; just because someone we have a crush on doesn't like our personality, that doesn't mean that we have to try and change it to someone else. It just means it's time to try the romance thing with someone else.

-Rejection Doesn't Mean You're Worthless. If you're going to remember just one thing from this blog post, you should make it this one, because this one is the most important. It's hard to ask someone you really like out and have them say no. It hurts! Even if the person turns you down politely, it still hurts. It's okay to feel a little disappointed, but it's really important that we don't let it affect our self-esteem. One person's rejection, or a hundred people's rejections, doesn't make us any less of a person. A rejection simply means it's time to try again with someone else. It's not a signal to start hating ourselves.

I don't want to attach too much importance to myself or to say that I'm a relationship expert; these are just some ideas that have helped me re-align my single life for the better. I'm just posting them here in the hope that they'll help someone else, just as they've helped me.  Hopefully, they do!

Try A Little Tenderness

The stories you are about to hear are true.  Names will be omitted to protect the innocent.

Incident #1: Sunday afternoon.  I'm at church, and I'm sitting in Sunday School.   It's an excellent lesson, partly about using our talents to push the work of God forward. Suddenly, I hear the teacher say my name, and I snap to full attention just in time to hear the teacher give me a lovely compliment about a talent she's perceived in me, one I'd never been aware of.  As a result, I feel like a million bucks the rest of the day.

Incident #2: Your birthday is always the best time to have a Facebook account, because, if you have awesome friends (like I do), a lot of them will take the time to write out a little birthday greeting to you.  I love all the greetings I received (and I thank my friends profusely for all of them), but one of them was different from the others.  In this greeting, a friend of mine, who happens to be an editor at a website I write for, takes the time to not only wish me a happy birthday, but also thanks me for being a good addition to the website team.  This makes me feel really good; it's a birthday gift in and of itself.  I come away feeling like a million bucks again.

Incident #3: I'm at work, and I've come off the high of an excellent weekend and I'm back to the day-by-day drudge of working at a warehouse.  The day is coming to a close, and I'm getting ready to go home when one of my co-workers, just out of the blue, says, "AJ, has anyone ever told you that you're a pretty cool guy?"  Stunned, I stammer out some stupid-sounding response, but I'm feeling like a million bucks again.

What do these three snapshots of my life have in common?  All of them feature someone who, with just a few words, changed my mood for the whole day.  It just took a few seconds to do, but it affected me for hours.

If your mom is anything like mine, you've probably heard this phrase hundreds of times: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  It's a cliche, yes, but it does have a lot of wisdom behind it.  What we say has such a big impact on what happens around us.  With one small insult, you can tear a huge hole out of somebody's self-worth.  It also works the other way, though; with one small compliment, you can build a person up and really feel great about themselves.

I don't want to get preachy, but I would just like to encourage all of us (including myself, because I can work on this, too) to be careful what we say around others.  All of us are in a position to have a big impact on the people we meet, and all it takes to leave a mark is a couple of words.  It behooves us to choose those words carefully.  Remember what your mom said!

Superhero Fatigue

The year: 2002.  I was thirteen years old, the perfect age to get swept up in the hype surrounding the release of Sam Raimi's first Spider-Man film.  Said hype got me to buy my first graphic novel: a Marvel Masterworks collection of the first ten issues of The Amazing Spider-Man.  I read it to pieces; I have lots of fond memories of hanging out in my room, reading the book while sipping Sprite and listening to '60s pop music.  Needless to say, I was really excited to see the movie.

For some forgotten reason, I missed seeing Spider-Man in theaters, but my dad brought the DVD home soon after it was released.  I vividly remember seeing the film for the first time, nestled in my usual spot on our couch, with a bowl of popcorn in my lap.  I was amazed by the film; every second, I was seeing things I had never seen before, and my teenage mind was blown by the action sequences and the humor.  Seeing the film now, I can also see that the movie stays more true to the tone of the comic books than any other Spider-Man film.  I loved Spider-Man then, and I still do; it's one of my top ten superhero films of all time.

Predictably, Hollywood looked at the success of Spider-Man and decided that what we wanted was more superhero films, and lots of them.  The first few were really good; I liked Spider-Man 2,  I absolutely LOVED The Incredibles, and I think I'm one of the two people in the world who will actually defend the first Fantastic Four film.  Unfortunately, as superhero films have been falling ever thicker and ever faster, I've grown bored with the flicks.  This illness is commonly known as superhero fatigue.

Don't get me wrong; some really great superhero flicks have come out over the past few years.  Unfortunately, I can think of only two that I unreservedly love: Chronicle and Big Hero 6.  How many superhero films have come out since 2010?  I haven't been counting, but it must be up there in the double digits.  Of course, I'm talking about my own personal taste, but two out of (at least) ten is not a good ratio of greatness.

What went wrong with the superhero flick?  Every superhero flick feels the same.  Occasionally, a flash of originality will shine through, but, for the most part, superhero films feel like slick movies that roll off the assembly line, each exactly the same as the others.  Personally, I'm tired of seeing the same old stuff in superhero movies.

What's the solution?  It's simple: the filmmakers need to bring their own personal flair to the films.  Take, for instance, another of my favorite superhero flicks: Richard Donner's 1978 masterpiece Superman: The Movie.  Each of the movie's three acts has its own distinct style: epic & almost Biblical in the opening scenes on Krypton; sepia-toned Americana (composed in beautiful widescreen shots) in the Smallville section, and jokey, fast-paced, urban style in the Metropolis portion.  Some directors, like Shane Black (Iron Man 3) and James Gunn (Guardians Of The Galaxy), have learned this lesson and applied it, leaving their individual touch on their films.  Now, it's time that other directors did the same.

I mentioned Black & Gunn to specifically prove one thing: that doing distinctive, unique work is possible, even in a huge corporation like Marvel.  I think that a lot of filmmakers think that directors like Brad Bird (The Incredibles), M. Night Shyamalan (Unbreakable, a movie I will defend to my grave), and Josh Trank (Chronicle) can do clever, creative stuff, since they're working with original stories.  However, some directors who work for the big companies, like Marvel or DC, feel hamstrung by us fans and our expectations.

What do do about fans?  Here's my answer to the directors: in the words of Fleetwood Mac, "go your own way."  Comic books are a different medium than movies, and comic book stories will inevitably need to be tweaked to make them work on film.  On top of that, if a director doesn't feel like filming a story exactly as it unfolds in the comic books, he should feel free to change it!  Personally, I applaud Shane Black for making his controversial Mandarin decision in Iron Man 3.  I know it annoyed a lot of fans, but I admire Black's ballsiness in taking the comic-book story and changing it to suit his own sensibilities.  If a director is going to make a superhero film that's going to stand out, he or she needs to have that kind of courage. 

I know that my opinions on this issue aren't widely held, and I know I'm going to catch a lot of heat for this post.  I anticipate it, and I look forward to the good discussions (NOT arguments) we're going to have.  So, have at it!

Listen To The Band

Earlier this month, I was perusing YouTube, looking for new songs to listen to.  During my search, I came across "Just Once In My Life," a 1965 hit from The Righteous Brothers:

It hit me like a ton of bricks. When the song ended, I sat there at my laptop, stunned by what I'd just heard.  I then listened to the song about five times in a row.

Later on, I got to wondering about what it was about "Just Once In My Life" that I had responded to so strongly.  Of course, the backing track was attention-grabbing, but that was typical of a Phil Spector production, and, after all, there are several Spector-produced songs that I don't care for.  I've always envied Bill Medley & Bobby Hatfield their singing voices, but I'd heard other Righteous Brothers songs, with equally great singing, that hadn't affected me as deeply.  I decided that it must have been the lyrics that had gotten to me.

I went to the all-knowing Google and looked up the lyrics to "Just Once In My Life."  This lyric jumped out at me:

There's a lot of things I want, a lot of things that I want to be
But, girl, I don't foresee a rags-to-riches story for me
But there's just one little thing I'd like to make come true
It's just one round I'd like to win
I've got to be a winner with you

Just once in my life, let me get what I want
Girl, don't let me down
Just once in my life, let me hold onto
The good thing I found; don't let me down

It was those words (written by Carole King & Gerry Coffin) that had struck me so hard.  In that handful of lines, King and Coffin eloquently say things that I've wanted to say to every girl I'd ever loved.  I've never said those things, though, because I haven't found a way to say them without sounding stupid.  I'm not sure there actually is an intelligent way to say those things in regular speech.  Music, however, lends a special power that allows the singer and writer to say things that can't be said any other way.

I think the quality of tapping into deep emotions, and how well the singer and songwriter wield it, is what separates a good song from a great one.  When one comes away from a great song, one comes away feeling the emotions that the song describes.  When Patsy Cline sings "Crazy," it's easy to feel the confusion and lingering affection that's there after a relationship ends.  When Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers play "American Dream Plan B," we feel driven to do anything we can to get what we want.  When Frank Sinatra sings "In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning," he puts so much effort into his singing that the aura of loneliness is palpable.  When the Bobby Fuller Four's "Let Her Dance" comes on the radio (which it does all too seldom), it can immediately get anyone listening feeling happy and hopeful for what lies ahead.

In the end, I think that sharing of emotion is what makes music great; it's what's made me a music nerd, anyway.  It's through music (and other art forms, too) that we can form bonds with one another.  When we listen to a great song, we know that there are others out there who have gone through the things that we're experiencing.  That knowledge that we aren't alone is a great thing; it strengthens us enough to get through the hard times and to enjoy the good times.  It also gives us the ability to be a help to others.  It's just one of many things that makes music great.

Sifting Through The Ashes

As some of you who know me personally may know, I'm coming out of a difficult period of my life.  This past month has been a lonely time, and I've been struggling with a lot of sad developments in a couple different parts of my life.  Fortunately, due to support from some great friends and advice from wise elders, life is getting a lot better; the sun is coming out again.

Now that the worse is past, I thought it would be a good time to take stock of what happened these past thirty days and see what I can learn from it.  You see, I've dug my own pit for a lot of the stuff that's happened lately, and I think the time has come to right some wrongs, make some apologies, and generally just see if I'm any better for what's happened to me recently.

First, what I've learned:

-Respect Other People.  I'm very stubborn in that, as Tom Petty puts it, "I see what I want, I go after it."  Sometimes, I do this at the expense of other people, their wants and needs, and their feelings.  I'd say that this selfish impulse has caused me more trouble than anything else this past month.  I think I've finally learned that getting what one wants means nothing if one burns all one's bridges in the process.

-Laziness Gets You Nowhere.  I've got a naturally lazy personality; if there's any way to make something easier or avoid doing it entirely, my natural impulse is to sidestep work.  Unfortunately, this has resulted in me not doing half the things with my life that I'd like to do.  I'm resolving, here and now, to not be afraid of good, hard work anymore.

And, finally, I've got two  notes to certain groups of people (no names, of course).  One's an apology, one's a thank-you.  These groups actually overlap a lot, so please read both if you personally know me!  (If you don't personally know this, you can skip this part if you want.)

There are a few friends who I think I've hurt this past month, due to my own selfish drives and my disrespectful behavior.  I know I can't take what I've done back, but I'm hoping you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and let me have a second chance to be a better friend!

Secondly, I want to thank my friends for being so open and kind to me during these past four weeks.  I know it's really tiring to be my friend.  (Believe me, I know what it's like for you guys; after all, I live with me.)  However, you guys and gals have been nothing but awesome and supportive, through good times and bad.  I don't think a fella could ask for better friends!

(Okay, other people I don't know.  You can come back now.)

This has been a hard month for me, as I said, but it hasn't been without its benefits.  I've been made to feel more grateful for the people in my life and I've learned some things about myself.  I won't say I'd want to go through this month again, but I'm glad I went through it once, just to learn (and I'm even more glad it's over!).

What's The Deal With Love?

Romance is tough business.  After all, it's money- and time-consuming, and, nine times out of ten, it doesn't work out.  On top of that, after one of those unsuccessful attempts at romance, we end up feeling bad for a couple of weeks (at the least).  That post-romance depression can be so bad, in fact, that I often emerge from the fiery wreckage of a relationship pledging myself to life-long celibacy.  After all, who needs all that pain again?  

This pledge to stay single is usually made with total sincerity, with total commitment to keep it, and only lasts until I see another cute girl.  Once this happens, I promptly forget all my pledges and dash onto the romance playing field again.

Why do I (and we, because I'm hoping I'm not alone) do this?  Why do we willingly enter into so many relationships, knowing that there's every possibility that it'll fail?  Because what we might gain is so much more that what we might lose.

"I love you" is just a simple three-word phrase, but it's a symbol of a lot more.  When we verbally commit your heart to someone else, we're essentially saying, "I care about you.  I'm going to stand by you, no matter how hard things get.  I'm interested in what you're thinking and feeling, and I want to understand what's going on in your mind and heart.  Life's going to be hard, but I know that, together, we can make it through.  Let's team up and get through this together."

I don't know about you, but I don't think there's a greater gift we can give someone.  What an amazing thing to have a partner in life, someone who always has your best interests at heart, someone always ready with a word of encouragement, someone with their arms open to you all the time.

And, as special as it is to have such a partner, it's even more special to BE that partner to someone else.  After all, love has no selfishness in it; it's all caring about the other person, or it's not love.  The partnership is unbalanced if one person's doing all the giving and the other's doing all the taking.  Each person should be committed to the other, and I want nothing more than to have that opportunity.

Partnership.  Selflessness.  Loyalty.  That's what "I love you," the roses, the candlelight dinners, the chocolates, the ring, the wedding, and everything else mean.  Those three qualities are what make up "true love."

So, if you were to ask me (or if I were to ask myself) why I keep returning to play the romance game again and again, here's what I'll say: because I want to find that "perfect partner" (to borrow a phrase from the movie Shall We Dance?).  Because I want to be that perfect partner to someone else.  And, with every relationship I have, I'm getting closer to finding that special girl, the one who'll think I'm special, too.  And, once that happens, all the pain, all the heartbreak, will have been worth it.

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives

What is is about music?  All it is, scientifically speaking, is a bunch of notes strung together in a way that sounds good to our brains.  Sometimes it has lyrics attached to it, sometimes not.  What's so special about that?  

That definition sounds like it could've come out of a textbook, doesn't it?  Well, it didn't, but that definition does the same thing that all textbooks do: it takes the artistry and emotion out of music.  Music textbooks can teach about the mechanics and theory of music, and all that's fine and good.  What textbooks and classes can't teach, however, is the stuff that makes music great: the emotion, the understanding, the sense of life experiences we all share, and the joy of living that music, at its best, imparts to those who listen to it.

I've been thinking a lot about this ("this" being the emotions & memories that music brings) lately, and as I thought, a special group of songs came into my mind.  Said group of songs are the ones that touch me, that inspire me, that let me know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing.  All of us have such a group of songs.  I think that, when we talk about the "soundtrack of our lives," this personalized group of songs is what we're talking about.

What I'm going to do here is share with you my "soundtrack of my life," as it stands right now, and why each song makes the cut.  These songs are the ones that, if they come on the radio and you try to change it, I will literally, physically, fight to stop you.  

I'm hoping that it'll get you guys thinking about what your soundtracks are, and (if I'm lucky) sharing.

So, with no further ado, and with songs in no particular order, away we go.

"It's My Life" - The Animals

Actually, almost all of The Animals' songs are on my soundtrack list, but this one is my fave.  I love this song for its defiance, for how it says "I'm gonna be what I want, regardless of what anyone else thinks!"  That's the kind of attitude I'm trying to adopt.  I'm not perfect at it, but I am trying, and that's what counts, right?

"California Girls" - The Beach Boys

Anybody who's hung out with me for more than three seconds knows that I'm VERY proud of my Southern California upbringing.  There's no place else I'd rather have grown up, and, most of the time, there's no place else I'd rather be.  (Don't get me wrong, I love Utah, but it's not my HOME!)  This Beach Boys classic is SoCal in musical form; if I ever get homesick, I can just throw this track on and feel better immediately!

"Here Comes My Girl" - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

This song is what love is all about.  Okay, not the song specifically, but what the lyrics are talking about.  This little ditty describes the kind of love that everyone deserves: the kind that keeps you going, monotonous day after monotonous day, because you know that, when you go home, it'll be to someone who cares about you, who loves you, and wants nothing more than help you to be happy.  That kind of love is also about wanting to be the best person you can be for your significant other, and this song touches on that, too.  THIS is the kind of love I want!  If I'm lucky, maybe I'll get it!

"Everybody Plays The Fool" - The Main Ingredient

This song has gotten me through so many broken hearts, I lost count back when I was, say, eighteen.  I love how frank this song is about how it's okay that you've got a broken heart, but it doesn't mean that you're gonna die and that you're gonna be okay if you just power through it.  It's a message that has helped me through many hard times.  (Oh, and one of the guys in this group is Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s dad, if that interests you!)

"Drift Away" - Dobie Gray

Whenever I'm feeling depressed or confused, I throw this song on, and by the time it's over, I feel one hundred percent better.  I'm not really sure what it is about this tune that calms me: maybe it's the perfect arrangement, or maybe it's Dobie Gray's great vocals.  Personally, though, I think it might be this famous little group of lines:

Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul

I want to get lost in your rock and roll

And drift away...

"This Is The Christ" - Mormon Tabernacle Choir

I wanted to wrap this up with something spiritual, since there's nothing more important in my life than my religion, the Lord, and being a disciple of Christ.  With that in mind, I'm closing up with this, my favorite song by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  Of course, anything the Choir puts out is going to be great, but I've never heard a song about the Savior that's as stirring or as inspiring as this one.  It describes perfectly how I feel about the Lord.  I love it!

...Well, there I am in musical form.  Thanks for bearing with me, and feel free to talk about your own "soundtracks!"